girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones

Well hello there blog!!!

Long time no see.

I've become one of those mega-boring people, haven't I? I should do something really exciting like get on a plane and blog about faraway, exciting lands. I'll put that on next week's to do list, I think. *grin*

Ooh, that might be me getting excited!!!

Other than that, I have nothing interesting to say. I went to bed at 4pm yesterday, missed the work dinner I had organised and then got up at 8am today for work. I've not slept 16hours in any one long stretch since probably school camp. I look less horrific today. Which is good. Still not quite functioning at optimal - forgot my gym clothes for pilates today. Also got hassled at work for sleep deprivation. Nothing like the whole group looking at you expectantly in a meeting for an explanation as to why you have no idea what you are currently working on and other people making naughty comments. Fun times. I don't think I left the meeting with my dignity.

Other than that, I've been thinking a lot lately about ... stuff. And I realised that this is probably the first time in my life that I have actually lived as a proper adult. Seems weird to write that even. But living alone has brought me that - this is the first time in my life I really haven't had to answer to anybody else, not a parent, not a partner and not a flatmate, about what I do and when I do it. There's nobody there to see how I live my life. And it's very freeing, obviously. But the other thing that it forces you to do, is to take control and make your decisions for yourself. And probably, I don't much do that. I think most of the time, I let someone else direct me or I take direction from what other people do. But lately, I've been living differently. And it's kind of interesting to see what happens when you shake the "good girl" persona, the person who wants *everyone else* to be okay with who you are, and you do, not what other people tell you is right and proper or appropriate, but what you are comfortable with doing. And what you want to do.

It seems such a funny thing to write down, really. And I wonder why it has taken me so long to get to a place where I navigate through life with my own directional device instead of borrowing everyone else's. And on rereading the above, why I use the second person instead of the first.

Which is all an interesting about the way of saying that ... I kind of love my life right now. I am totally happy with what is going on in it, even if it is not how other people would like me to live and that I am finally okay with thinking, "that's okay for them but this is my life and I'm the one who has to own it and be happy in it". And that maybe other people don't really have the power to be able to decide what actually makes me happy?

I've never actually let go in life before. I've never really just thought "heck, I'm gonna wander down this path and see what's beyond that curve". And funnily enough, whenever I did think about letting go, I always thought things would spiral out of control in some hideous, uncontrolled fashion. And yeah, I'm not saying that it's not. I just didn't know I'd still have a smile on my face and be okay with that when it happened.

So ... life is nothing like what I thought it would be like.
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