girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones
girliejones

On things

Curve ball is on one hour hiatus.

So I was thinking today in yoga about the whole life changing thing. The whole getting yourself off the wellbeaten track that you hate, out of the rut and onto a path you prefer to walk, or how to go about being the person you more want to be. I guess I was thinking that in a lot of ways, I've been quite successful at doing that for a lot of aspects of my life - at least at getting the catalyst to this change going.

Personal health-wise, I've started to notice the increase in fitness, personal strength and body toning. It's taken 7 months but it hasn't been some enormous change in lifestyle or some massive diet or whatever. It's been more about slowly addressing things I don't like and slowly implementing solutions. I definitely *feel* different - I feel on the way to how I used to feel when I was very fit and my body was in shape. I feel enough on the way to that, that that alone helps spur me on. See, now I am in the easier stage. The hardest bit was starting in the first place and forcing myself along when no progress could be seen and it just seemed like no matter how hard I worked, nothing changed.

It's always hard to put in effort to change direction - like getting out of bed early on a cold morning. Or taking off your tracky pants to put on work out gear. Or giving up the piece of cake or icecream that you settle in with to watch your regular TV show on a Tuesday night. Or going out alone after you've been a couple for years on end. Or .. whatever. Change is hard. *Making* the change is harder.

But there are still aspects of my life that I haven't touched yet. And they remain dormant. They taunt me and make me feel guilty and bad. And that makes it harder to even look at them enough to want to think about how to go about changing them. But, if I want to be properly on the path I want to be on ... at some point, I have to address these. And that's what I was thinking about in yoga today. That, and how stiff my back is today.

So what the heck am I talking about anyway??

I don't feel particularly driven by my day job. I'm not sure why but it's just not something I have felt passionate about for a long time. Yet, at its core this is something that I am deeply and truly passionate about, in life. I worry a bit because I am not cut throat at the moment about going about getting promotions or climbing up the ladder or any of that stuff. I'm not even permanent and have been on this stupid contract rollover thing for several years now. And I worry about where this is all going and what kind of direction I am pointing myself in. Am I going anywhere at all? Do I *want* to be going somewhere? All that jazz. And in so many other aspects of my life, I am *deeply* driven. I have plans. I work out ways to achieve these and then I go out and do so. Why do I not do that with this???

Whilst I was away, I had two really good long chats with D about the above. And about how that meshes in with life plans. And what was really interesting (I bet he is a kickass thesis supervisor) is that what we discussed kind of turned the above on its head. That what I can do is think about where *I* want to be in a certain number of years time and plot out how I am going to get there. And, I dunno, it was really a weird trip in thinking differently about all of this. Like, maybe I don't so much have to think about job titles and tasks and so on but more about pay and lifestyle and time commitments etc. It's not a big revelation that I want to have kids in the next little while and that maybe what I should be doing is being more creative in how I want to figure out how to do ALL of it (this IS *me*) at once. By then. It was really cool. We talked about it and I guess he was suggesting a goal of about by 2010 having worked out where I want to leap out to and what kind of conditions I want to demand by then and how I go about being a person who can demand that kind of stuff. And if I was doing that for some greater plan, and not just for *me*, I think I would be cool about doing that. And of course all of this involves me actually finishing the dreaded "P" word. (He *is* an academic after all - he was always going to argue that point).

It's an interesting proposition.

It leads into the next question which is ... why can't I tidy up and organise my study? The rest of my house has been kinda sorted, still have the kitchen to finish, but basically I'm moved in. Except for in the study. I don't even have the desktop set up in there. It's been a disorganised mess for 8 months now and everytime I go in there to even start the task I just can't. I stand around and look helpess. I don't know where to start. And I don't know why I don't know where to start. I love to organise and sort things out normally. And I think in truth it's kind of a chicken and egg scenario. I don't want to sort out my study cause I have to face the PhD question and I can't face the Phd question till I sort out my study.

So those are two big aspects still waiting to be sorted out. I guess three if you count the career too. And there are lots of bits of TPP projects and to do lists that I think kind of fall into the same pigeon hole. Maybe just in a guilt by association kind of way.

Anyway ... vague look at what is going on in my head today.

Still to come - I almost got totalled on the freeway this morning. Gotta go do the curve ball thing now.
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